Ala Alba Plays Pathfinder
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: …or 'Never Let A Magister Play a Spellcaster Class'. The Library girls invite Negi to play the evolution of the 3.5 rules set of the world's oldest fantasy roleplaying game. Setsuna is creeped out Haruna is acting in a socially acceptable manner. Nodoka thinks handshakes require grapple checks for bonuses to diplomacy. Konoka thinks they're all horrible people. And Negi has issues.
1. Never Let A Magister Play a Spellcaster

A/N: It's been a while…

….

'Ala Alba Plays Pathfinder' or 'Never Take A Physicist To See Star Trek, Never Let A Magister Play a Spellcaster Class'

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: The Pathfinder system is owned by Paizo. Akamatsu Ken owns Negima. I make no money of this. This is parody and protected speech.

….

"So, how do you play this game?" Negi asked as they sat around the table. It was a perfectly ordinary table, of the sort you could find anywhere, were it not for the incredibly detailed 3D landscape in the middle of it, with the whole thing sectored off into lots and lots of little one-inch squares. A few moderately thick books layaround the edge of he table, as did several sheets of photocopied paper, pencils, little chess figures and vending machine toys, some plastic containers, and a small plastic bucket filled with dice and other strangely-geometric plastic objects. Konoka had provided a huge pile of small cookies, but there was no tea. According to Yue, tea was against tradition in this game.

"Oh, it's easy Negi-sensei," Haruna said enthusiastically. Wonder of wonders, it was a perfectly socally acceptable amount of enthusiasm, with no evil gleams in her eye, smirk on her lips, villainous chin stroking or nigh-dehydrating amounts of salivating. One would have thought she was a normal girl happily expounding on a socially-acceptable hobby instead of , you know, Haruna. "First, you have to roll up a character–"

As Haruna happily and still not-creepily expounded on the basics of making up a character, Konoka and Setsuna came from the kitchen, both bearing more snacks. Lacking any space on the table proper– you were apparently not supposed to do that, since no one wanted to risk spills (crumbs were okay though), the trays of chips and soda were put on the floor, within easy reach and next to people who would compulsively make sure nothing happened to them– Setsuna and Negi in this case.

"Are you sure you don't want to play Setsuna?" Nodoka asked as Konoka and Negi leafed through the various books while Haruna expounded on the classes available and Yue set up the game.

"I'll just watch for now," the kendo-ka said politely. "I'm not very good with make-believe, so perhaps it's better if I see how it's done first."

"So, what classes do you want to try?" Haruna enthused in a perfectly normal way. It was really starting to creep Setsuna out.

"Wizard," Negi said instantly.

"Are you sure, Negi-sensei?" Yue ventured. "Playing a wizard is a bit hard, since you need to keep track of spells and– "

"Wizard," Negi reaffirmed. "It's my first game, so it's best I play something simple and true to life."

Yue, studying magic as she was, parsed that sentence, and reflected that Chisame would have all sorts of sarcastic observations to make.

"All right!" Haruna said, her enthusiasm still perfectly socially acceptable, if slightly increased in volume. It made Setsuna's skin crawl. "So, do you want to be a universalist or... "

"Um, I guess I'll be a Cleric," Konoka said. "After all, healing is important."

Ah, Ojou-sama was so kind, always thinking about the well-being of others!

The weirdness began when they started rolling dice.

Once the four dice had been rolled six times and the numbers had been added together, Konoka had a perfectly normal array of 15, 13, 12, 12, 9 and 18. Negi, however...

"Sensei," Yue asked severely as Negi rolled all sixes for the 6th time in a row, "you're not 'helping' the dice along, are you? Because I remember you telling us that spells to move small objects was very basic magic that everyone manages to master..."

"Of course not!" Negi said, sounding vaguely offended. "I suppose I'm just lucky, I guess. "

"Well, not that I don't believe you," Yue said as diplomancycally as possible, "but just to be sure you're not unconsciously affecting the roll, Haruna why don't you take the dice into the kitchen and roll for him?"

A minutes later, Haruna came back grinning. The grin was closer to Haruna-normal than she had been all night, relieving Setsuna immensely. She'd been starting to get worried about possession and imposters.

"Still all sixes," she said. "Negi, would you do me the great honor of rolling my d20 for me from now on?"

"Use your own luck Haruna," Yue said tiredly.

Negi, in keeping with his 'sticking with something simple and true to life' aesthtic, decided to go with a human character, with no frills, bells or whistles. Konoka, with much enthusiasm, went with an elf. From there, it was basic math and copying things down to character sheets, though they had to stop Nodoka once or twice from being over-enthusiastic in 'advising' Konoka. It was always so strange seeing the normally plain and simple girl being such a munchkin. Her rogue was tricked out up the wazoo.

"Why," Negi said midway though the character creation process, "is everything in feet?"

"The game was made by Americans," Yue said. "All measurements are in feet and pounds. It's normally not a problem."

Negi sighed. "It's things like this that hold the metric system back. Do I really need all this rope?"

"It's ALWAYS a good idea to have rope!" Haruna declared, once more shading a bit closer to her normal enthusiasm.

"Why are you starting at level 6?" Setsuna asked, glancing at the book they were refering to and Konoka's own sheet.

"So that they can join the campaign we've been doing," Yue said. "And it gives them more options."

"Hmm," Setsuna said. She was familliar enough with 'levels', even if only from cultural osmosis and seeing Evangeline play video games (not naked anymore, thank goodness. Chachamaru saw to that now). It seemed like a lot of work for a measly 5 levels of difference. But then Setsuna was thinking in terms of computer games, whose levels usually went up to a hundred, as opposed to this game's 20. "What are you playing as?"

"Well, our little munchkin Nodoka is playing a rogue," Haruna said. "And I'm playing a dsguised succubus who got into an accident with a cursed headband who's now Lawful Good and pretending to be homeless!"

Ah. ''There'' was the Haruna they all knew and occasionally wanted to strangle.

"I'm still not sure how you got me to agree to that," Yue said, checking some papers.

"Young creature template," Haruna said. "So I'm a loli succubus!"

Setsuna finally relaxed. It looked like Haruna was perfectly fine.

….

"All right," Yue began. "The game is set in the town of Beacon, and we're a bunch of adventurous locals of some reputation. Nodoka is a formerly-famous thief trying to mend her theiving ways, Haruna is..." She paused and everyone but Negi could clearly see her swiftly editing. "Haruna is succubus who's pretending to be and orphan who just wandered in to town whom Nodoka took in as a part of her reforming. No one knows she's a demon. She works as a seamstress, hem hem, for extra cash. I'm usually part of the group along with the sempai we usually play with, but since I'm the GM right now, my character is out of town on a business deal."

"I don't see why you can't play your character just because you're the GM," Negi said.

"I already have a lot on my plate. Maybe next time sensei, when someone else is GM," Yue promised. "Negi-sensei, Konoka, your characters are friends from out of town who have recently arrived and have joined with the group. Would you like to describe your characters?"

"Well, my character is a human mage with 18–" Negi began.

"No, not like that sensei," Haruna interupted. "You're supposed to describe who he is! What he looks like, what he does, his likes, dislikes, stuff like that. What's his personality? What's his name?"

"Oh!" Negi said. "Well, his name is Igan Fieldspring, and he's a heroic wizard traveling across the land doing good and saving the day!"

He smiled widely as everyone gave him bland looks.

"O-kay..." Yue said, deciding to let that go. "Uh, Konoka-chan?"

"I'm cleric of Sarenrae who travels the land healing people!" Konoka said. "I'm in search for my childhood friend, who just disappeared one day and never wrote back even though we promised to be friends forever and ever and–"

"Uh, that sounds like enough," Yue interuppted, taking pity on a wilting Setsuna. "Anyway, it's early in the morning and everyone has already prepared their spells and such. You have recently been hired by the mayor to perform one last check on the old manor on the hill to make sure it's safe for demolition, and allowed to take away anything you can carry."

Negi frowned. "Anything we can carry? Is that legal?"

"Yes, the building has no more owners and defaulted to the town," Yue said.

"What happened to the owners?" Konoka asked.

"There was a tragic daemon-summoning accident," Yue said. "Very sad. Also why we need to make sure it's safe to demolish."

"Wait, if you lived in the town, why didn't you do anything about it?" Setsuna asked.

"We were out of town that day," Yue said. "Fighting space aliens."

"Ah," Konoka said, nodding. "That makes sense."

This was Mahora, after all.

"All right! We head over to the mansion, which is on a hill overlooking the town–"

"What, without breakfast?" Konoka said, aghast.

"Sorry?" Yue said.

"I'm prettty sure that if we're going to be spending the day being ghostbuster-y in a daemon-infested mansion, we need to have a nice hearty breakfast," Konoka said. "You know how cranky you can get if you skip breakfast."

"She has a point," Haruna said, sounding much closer to normal. "We should all have breakfast first. Can't do anything without our one pound minimum of edible materials a day."

Yue rolled her eyes. "Fine. Before you headed over to the mansion, you had a big hearty breakfast– "

"Not that big and hearty," Negi said. "Otherwise we'd need to let it digest and might puke ourselves sick if we need to exert ourselves. A light but filing breakfast is best, two, maybe two and a half pancakes, but definitely not three unless you're Asuna."

"With syrup," Konoka added cheerfully. "And strawberry preserves."

"Sausage on the side maybe, for protein?" Haruna suggested. It sounded very bizarre; the phrase seemed to be completely free of any innuendo.

"Not a big sausage," Konoka said. "Steamed, maybe, not fried. Much healthier for you."

"And milk mixed with strawberry jam? Nodoka suggested, getting into the spirit of the thing.

Yue gave up getting started on the guest right away and shifted gears to what her players obviously wanted. "Right, a decent breakfast to start with. But who cooks?"

"I can do it," Konoka volunteered. "After I wake up and ready my spells I go downstairs and, wanting to thank my hosts, ready a nice breakfast."

"That's probably going to be a Craft check," Haruna said.

"I think we can let it be an untrained check," Yue said. "I wouldn't want Konoka-chan to waste skills points on Craft: Pancakes or anything. Here Konoka, roll this."

Konoka took the round, almost spherical die and gave it a flick. It rolled and settled down on a–

"9," Haruna read. "Did she make breakfast, Yuecchi?"

"She makes it with her Intelligence bonus," Yue said. "Okay, Konoka makes breakfast and everyone goes down and gets pleasantly filled up. Uh, does everyone feel ready to take on the haunted house now?"

"I thought it was a daemon-infested house?" Nodoka said. "Haunted house means ghosts, totally different thing."

"Right, my mistake. So, you all head on over to the mansion, which is na hill overlooking the house," Yue said. She referred to another sheet of paper. "It's a three-story Victorian-style dwelling with peeling paint and a bit of a fixer-upper. From the outside you judge it's approximately 500 square feet– "

"Yue, did you crib the floorplan of a house from a real estate site again?" Haruna said, sounding half-exasperated.

"I wasn't using the Bitter Manor floorplan, you already know that one," Yue said.

In the center of the table, the map drawn with Haruna's artifact began to take shape.

….

"Wait, what do you mean I'm out of spells?" Negi said incredulously.

It was about an hour later, which means only 15 minutes of in-game time had passed.

"You used up all your 3rd level spells throwing fireball around," Yue explained. "That's three fireballs, counting the one from your Int bonus."

"But you just said I still had nine spells left," Negi said.

"Nine that aren't 3rd level. Fireball is a 3rd level spell, so you can't use it anymore. Besides, strictly speaking you need to have prepared the spell first," Yue said. "But you're a beginner, so some slack to get you started works best."

"But… that's not how magic works," Negi said incredulously.

"Those are the rules," Yue said. In case there was need for clarification, she added, "of the _game_."

Was this how it started with moral watchdogs and their not being able to distinguish fantasy from reality? Thinking that the game book actually applied to reality?

"I told you that you should have gone with Sorcerer," Haruna said. "They pack more spells."

"Now that the fighting's stopped, can someone please get me out of the basement now?" Konoka said. "I've seen this movie a lot of times. Girl all alone in the basement with monsters on the loose? I'm the one with healing spells, remember!"

"What did you just write down?" Haruna said, giving Yue a suspicious look. "You saw her, right Nodoka? She wrote something down!"

"Maybe we should rescue Konoka now, just in case," Nodoka suggested.

"See Negi, I told you that rope would be useful!" Haruna said.

"I could just levitate her," Negi said. "See, I have the spell right here."

"You'll probably need those spell slots when we run into daemons again," Haruna said.

"This is just wrong," Negi groused. "That's not how magic works!"

"Just roll the dice Negi-sensei," Nodoka said. "You have the best strength score, so you need to be the one to pull Konoka out."

To no one's surprise, he rolled a 20 on that one too. Yue was quite frankly beginning to wonder if he was using one of Haruna's loaded dice by mistake.

"You know, if they're going to demolish the house anyway, can't we just set it on fire and stand outside to catch any monsters that run away?" he suggested as the map changed to show more of the house.

"See, this is why modules that happen in a house usually have a hostage involved," Haruna told Yue is a stage whisper.

"Duly noted," Yue said.

"You wrote something again! I saw you!" Haruna declared, pointing dramatically.

"Just a random thought," Yue said blandly.

….

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of the great goddess Sarenrae and one another to celebrate the memory of the late Igan Fieldspring, who died tragically in a house fire," Konoka intoned solemnly. "Even when taken hostage, he fought to the last, valiant trying to throw little blobs of acid at his enemies even though it did absolutely nothing, and unwittingly releasing daemonic forces upon an innocent town."

"I told you you needed to watch how many spells you had," Haruna told Negi.

"So… I'm dead?" Negi said.

"Yup," Haruna said. "Joined the great archonic choir in the Outer Plane. Passed through Pharasma's boneyard. Met the psychopomp. Reroll for new character. What class do you want to play now?"

"Wizard," Negi said instantly.

"I think you've just demonstrated you're a bit too trigger happy for that, sensei," Yue said.

"Wizard," Negi insisted.

"Fine," Yue relented. "But read the entry this time so you understand how 'spell slots' work, all right?"

"But magic doesn't work that way!" Negi protested.

"It's the game sensei," Haruna said. "Here, you can roll for your new stats."

Negi took the 4d6 and rolled.

"Okay," Yue declared as the 6th four sixes in a row came up, "You're going to have to use point-buy for your stats, the dice love you too much to be fair."

"Everyone!" Konoka chastised them, "we're in the middle of a funeral here! I thought Fieldspring-san was our friend! Let's show some respect!"

….

"So," Negi said as he finished his new character sheet, "the name of my new character is a human wizard name Gani Fingsprield… "

Finally familiarized with the particulars of spell slots and resigned to them no matter how unrealistic they were, Negi had managed to keep from rerolling another character.

"… so that means Negi-sensei wins the grapple," Nodoka finally finished.

There was a deep silence, underscoring the 15 minutes of non-stop rules-crunching that had gone on just before.

"Nodoka-san," Negi said slowly, eyes looking slightly haunted. "It was just a handshake. I don't think all those rules and math had to apply… "

"Better safe than sorry, Negi-sensei," Nodoka said. "You need every circumstance bonus you can get!"

"Nodoka," Yue said tiredly. "I'm fairly certain I've said this before. Grappling doesn't give you a circumstance bonus on diplomacy checks!"

"That's not you said last week, when– "

"That was an exception!" Yue said loudly. "I'm pretty sure Negi-sensei has no desire to do _that_ in public!"

….

"No, Negi-sensei, you can't use your quarterstaff as a flying mount, even if you have an arcane bond with it," Yue said.

" _But that's not how magic works!_ " Negi wailed.

….

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of the great goddess Sarenrae and one another to celebrate the memory of the late Gani Fingsprield, who died tragically in the hands of daemons," Konoka intoned solemnly. "He fought to the last, trying to punch their heads off with his bare hands, despite all common sense, because he claimed he'd seen it done once."

"So," Negi sighed as he finished rerolling his character, "my new character is a human wizard name Igna Dleifgnirps… "

"You're going to run out of anagrams of 'Nagi Springfield' eventually," Yue said.

"I have no idea what you could possibly be talking about," Negi said.

"You're all horrible! Horrible!" Konoka accused. "The second dear friend dead in the same week and you don't even pay attention during his funeral! You're all horrible people!"

….

"Tadaima!" Asuna greeted as she opened the door. "Sorry I'm late Konoka-chan, the art supply store was having a sale and this bitch tried to steal my brushes– "

" – look, that's just how magic works Negi-sensei!" Yue said, exasperated. "No T-rex familiar!"

"Horrible! Horrible!" Konoka was denouncing.

"So, 'grit' is actually coolness used to power special techniques?" Setsuna was saying to Nodoka. "Interesting. And given Rakan-san, it might actually be applicable."

"You sure you want to be an elf? They're not really optimized for– " Nodoka replied.

Haruna sighed. "You people are so noisy! Can't you all settle down and sit quietly so we can play? And inside-voices please!"

Asuna stared. It was that last that got to her. "What. The. Hell?"

"Oh, hey Asuna-chan," Haruna greeted. "Wanna play a game?"

Asuna turned and closed the door behind her. Obviously, Haruna had finally snapped and turned into an evil psychological serial killer and had trapped the others in some sort of weird mindgames. She might need backup for this...

….

 **\- To be continued…**

….

A/N: Whatever you do, NEVER let a player convince you to let them play a Monstrous PC Outsider. A lot of those have Greater Teleport at will, and either Charm, Hold or Dominate in come form.

Pathfinder is awesome. Archetypes beat new prestige classes any day. I just wish there were more Gunslinger Archetypes.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. Never Call A Wizard A Warlock

A/N: More RPG fun with Ala Alba!

….

'Ala Alba Plays Pathfinder' or 'Never Call A Wizard A Warlock'

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: The Pathfinder system is owned by Paizo. Akamatsu Ken owns Negima. I make no money of this. This is parody and protected speech.

….

After all the running, screaming, and various shenanigans had finished, the glass had been cleaned up, the wood replaced, and innocent bystanders had remarked on how realistic Asuna's 'amateur CGI' had been, Asuna had finally gotten to begging forgiveness from Haruna, who was a bit offended that Asuna had assumed she'd descended into slasher horror torture-porn villainy when she'd only been doing a perfectly normal everyday activity. She was mollified Asuna was sincerely regretful though. Asuna, for her part, was mortified at the error. Sure, the _possibility_ always existed that Haruna would go full-on supervillain on them someday, but she didn't want to accelerate that moment by making the other girl resentful and broody. She'd seen this origin story a lot, given it was usually the plot of most superhero movies.

Haruna, extending, if not an olive branch, then at least a friendly invitation, asked Asuna to come to the next game so she can see what all the fuss was about.

Asuna, rightfully paranoid at any activity that made Haruna act weird, and not sure she could rely on Konoka for backup since the mangaka had apparently gotten to her already, dragged along Ayaka for backup, who was NOT her friend, nope, not at all, honest, she's just there because she's class rep and should know about mind-altering substances and activities Haruna might be pressing on poor, innocent, unsuspecting students and teachers, yeah, that's what it is, tsun!

An explanation on character creation later, Ayaka, browsing through the Core Book, said, "Oh, Haruna-chan. You didn't mention this! This Aristocrat' class would be perfect for me!"

"It doesn't give you any more money," Yue said, not looking up from her own notes. "Or land. Or titles. Or income, really."

Ayaka looked shock. "Well, then they really shouldn't call it an aristocrat," said, sounding vaguely offended.

Setsuna, who had nothing against Ayaka personally and thought she was a nice person, decided to throw her a bone. "Negi-sensei's been playing nothing but wizards," she said.

And thus did Ayaka end up playing Lady Schnee the Lavender.

Asuna, trying to buy herself some time, turned towards Setsuna. "What are you playing as?" she asked.

"I'm an eld gunslinger who hears voices in my head," Setsuna said.

"Really? I'd have thought you'd be, I don't know, more sword-y" Asuna said.

"It's a make-believe game, Asuna-san," Setsuna said. "I don't want to end up doing the same thing I do in real life, or else I might as well not play."

"Some people think it's fun play as someone who's the complete opposite of who they are in real life," Nodoka suggested.

"Ooh, who's this hottie?" Asuna said. "I'd play him!"

"That's Ezren," Yue said, "he's basically one of the go-to characters for artwork in the books."

"Nice!" Asuna said approvingly. The guy had a neat beard, she decided. "What class is he?"

And thus did Asuna end up as… Asuna the wizard.

"You named your character after yourself?" Haruna said.

"Baka ranger," Asuna said shamelessly. "Otherwise I'd forget who I was playing."

Nodoka looked a little mournfully at all the characters. "I'm going to end up being the meatshield, aren't I?" she bemoaned.

Haruna patted her sympathetically on the shoulder. "Yes," she said succinctly.

….

As it turned out, the two weren't half-bad at being wizards. While Ayaka threw money around like it came out of a Monopoly set, she had been raised and ingrained with intelligent business acumen, and an appreciation for the intelligent allocation of resources, Negi-painted jets not withstanding. Asuna, a classical nigh-Dickensian orphan, knew the value of making things last, taking hits now to save later, and being stingy. They'd also gotten an approving munchkin's nod from Nodoka by looking at the spellbook rules as written, exchanging a single glance, asked Negi if they could see his spell list, picked out different spells, then promptly exchanged spells in-game, ensuring they had a wide variety of spells in the levels that they had. Negi could have learned much from their example. He really could have.

"Dearly beloved," Konoka began as Negi set about making yet another new character. Yue had the morbid thought that given how Negi-sensei tried to play the game exactly the same way he lived life, it was a wonder he wasn't dead a dozen times over by now. She wondered where the disconnect between the game and real life was. "We are gathered here in the sight of the goddess Sarenrae and one another to commemorate the life of Igna Dleifgnirp, who died tragically in a dramatically heroic last stand against daemonic forces, despite the fact he had no armor, no Mage Armor spell on, no boosts to either attack or damage rolls, and the enemy was 2 CR above him, after using up all his spells on small fry and making Dexterity his dump stat… "

Next to her, Ayaka wailed. "I never got a chance to tell him I loved him!"

"I knew he'd die like that somehow," Asuna said, nodding as if it was totally expected. Given she knew her magister, it was.

"At least I wasn't the meat shield," Nodoka said. "And all these dead wizards are leaving a lot of loot to resell… "

"Those really should go to next of kin," Yue said pointedly, giving Negi a meaningful look.

"Well yes, but since all the wizards so far have had completely different family names, and no claimants, we'll just use these to defray expenses," Nodoka said brightly.

"Horrible! You're horrible Nodoka-chan!" Konoka denounced.

"Do you need help with your new item inventory Negi-sensei?" Nodoka asked innocently, gold coins in her eyes.

Yue gave it up. As things went, players having a lot of money wasn't the worst thing, and she knew Nodoka was too attached to her overly optimized characters to consider essentially bumping them off for the insurance money.

Though the minute someone got a Crafting Feat, she would, however, suddenly make the world a poorer place.

"So," Negi said, finishing, "my new character is a wizard named Agni Flingspried… "

"Aren't you running out of anagrams yet sensei?" Setsuna asked.

"I have no idea what you're talking about.

….

Setsuna, for her part, was enjoying herself immensely. Not being Mana and having watched a healthy amount of action movies in the recent past (always Asuna's choice during movie night), she messing around with her gunslinger with poise and restraint.

"No, you can't hit three targets with one bullet," Yue said. "It doesn't matter that they're lined up on consecutive squares, it doesn't work like that! The bullet would get lodged into the first target!"

"But I'm deliberately shooing for the fleshy part on the side of their necks where the arteries are," Setsuna argued. "Nothing to get lodged there. And since there's someone in front of them blocking their line of sight to me, that means they don't see me aiming for them, which should either make them flatfooted or at least give them a circumstance penalty to their AC."

"Why would you do that?" Yue asked, exasperated at the overly-complicated attack.

"So that they bleed to death," Setsuna said matter-of-factly. "That's arterial blood straight from the heart. They'll be dead from bloodloss in five rounds."

Everyone was watching the negotiating like it was a tennis match, eyes going back and forth between the two. Nodoka was frantically taking notes, muttering how she needed to remember this for the future.

"Set-chan!" Konoka exclaimed. "That's so violent! What happened to the nice, sweet elf girl I knew 105 years ago?"

"The world is a dark and occasionally cruel place, Ojou-sama," said Setsuna with nigh-emo proportions of portentous drama. "My innocence is battered and scarred, stained with the blood of those I was forced to kill to survive. Truly, Golarion is a dark and terrible place… "

There was a beat.

"Fine," Yue said. "For that little bit of role-playing, I'll let you pull it off. But you need to make 3 attack rolls in a row on your lowest base attack bonus to hit them. Deal?"

"Deal," Setsuna said, though she looked slightly confused. "But what role playing?"

There was another beat.

"Just roll the dice."

Setsuna nodded. "Sensei, would you please do me the great favor of– "

"AND USE YOUR OWN LUCK!"

Most definitely _not_ smirking, Setsuna rolled.

(roll)

(roll)

(roll)

"So, what does three 20's get me Yue-san?" Setsuna asked. "Do their heads explode?"

Yue gave the offending polyhedron a disgruntled look. "The first one's head explodes. The other two have to bleed themselves to death."

….

"Okay, that's the last of them," Haruna said as she Energy Drained the last monster to death. "Victory! Tan-ta-ta-tan-tan-tun-tan-tanan! What's the exp and loot count?"

"Well, besides the burned-down house, which was being demolished anyway, you actually managed to keep the property damage down this time, so the mayor isn't going to be sticking you with a reconstruction bill," Yue said. "Oh, and make a Bluff and Disguise check to see if you managed to maintain your cover."

Haruna rolled the dice, not even bothering to look. Yue did however, and looked a bit disgruntled.

"Damn your +11 modifier," she said. "Fine, you once more manage to make it look like you killed the daemon by means of something other than energy drain, and everyone still thinks you're merely the town's orphan loli prostitute who just happens to get caught in the local ex-con's adventures."

"You really take this secret identity thing seriously, Haruna-san," Setsuna commented.

"Orphan loli prostitute?" Asuna said, as if just remembering she was playing with Haruna. "How the heck is that allowed?"

Yue coughed. "Well, it has historical precedent and even today, in many unfortunate places, they start that young… "

"I'm the town bicycle," Haruna explained proudly.

"Do I know this in-character?" Konoka asked. "Because I'm pretty sure Sarenrae wouldn't approve of such a thing."

"If you're going to start a religious rumble, you should know the town's primary religion is the goddess Calistria, whose temple runs the local Prostitutes Guild," Yue said. "Of which Haruna is a paid-up member."

"Exclusive contract!" Haruna said with a thumbs up. "There used to be a halfling and a gnome, but I drove them out of business!"

"Huh?"

Everyone ground to a halt as they remembered that Negi was in the room.

"What's a prostitute?" Negi asked, struggling with the new and hitherto unknown Japanese word

There was a slight mental blink as they tried to figure out how to answer his question without defiling his childly innocence.

"It's a worshipper of Calistria," Haruna said glibly "I'm pretending to be one to preserve my cover, so that people don't figure out I'm a devil."

"Too late," Yue muttered.

"Oh…" Negi said in comprehension. "Wow, this game was a lot of interesting details, doesn't it?"

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, I think we can call this session done," Yue said hastily. "Next time again?"

Later, it would trouble Asuna greatly that _Haruna_ was the one who'd fed Negi that line of BS…

….

It was another day, another game session.

"So, it looks like the sempai are dropping out of the group for a while," Yue said. "Something about a project. Which means for the foreseeable future I'll be GM'ing."

"You don't have to," Haruna said. "I know you don't like it as much as playing. I could sub you, if you want… ?"

" _ **NO!"**_ Nodoka, Yue, Asuna, Ayaka and Setsuna all cried.

"Sheesh, a girl tries to be nice," Haruna said, looking offended.

"And it was very nice gesture," Yue conceded. "Unfortunately, the very thought fills us with fear and terror. But it's the thought that counts, so thank you."

"You're welcome…?" Haruna said, running though the logic and coming to the conclusion it was mostly complimentary.

"Anyway, I'm glad you decided to come back," Yue said to Ayaka.

"Well, I had so much fun last time," Ayaka said graciously, the back of one hand raised ojou-ly to one cheek. "I'm so glad I'm not being presumptuous in asking if I may make the game a part of my regular schedule."

"I figure if you're going to be in our room while you do it, I could play along too," Asuna said casually. Only a highly experienced observer would have identified the small 'tsun' that followed this statement.

"May I just beg you for one little thing?" Nodoka asked. "Please always have summon spells prepared so I never have to be the meat shield?"

"Uh, sure?"

"Or animate dead, animate dead is good too."

"That's the zombie spell, right?" Asuna said. "I don't have that yet, but maybe I can get a wand?"

"Zombie and skeletons," Nodoka confirmed. "Skeletons are better though. Yue?"

"I'll allow a wand," Yue agreed.

"I'm not sure the Lady Schnee would use such a thing," Ayaka said.

"Skeletons it is!" Asuna said. "At least they won't disappear on you like summon monsters."

….

"What the hell!" Asuna raged. "Priests can hack my zombies? Don't they at least have a firewall to keep out that sort of thing?"

Asuna, meet necromancer clerics.

"See, this is what you get for making Charisma your dump stat," Haruna said. "Everyone knows you use Charisma for a lot more things than Intelligence."

Yue resisted the urge to evil laugh. She really had to switch out as GM soon, she was starting to act Haruna-esque.

So far, the game had been progressing smoothly. Negi hadn't died yet, and had been convinced that if he was going to keep charging forward like an idiot, Mage Armor, Magic Weapon and False Life were spells he needed to keep on hand at all times. Ayaka seemed to have put herself in the role of Negi-support, and so between the two of them Negi was finally not spending half his time making up new anagrams of 'Nagi Springfield'.

Yue had taken the daemon plot and run with it, setting up the mystery of who had summoned them. Haruna's disguise was getting a little thin on the ground, but so far everyone in-game still thought she was just the world's most badass orphan loli prostitute. Between Asuna's skeletons, and Ayaka's summons, Nodoka was getting her wish to not be a meatshield, and Konoka hadn't needed to officiate any funerals.

Her players had been too happy. Time to screw them over a little.

Hence, necromancer cleric. It was the usual, a townsperson was kidnapped and dragged off to the woods as a human sacrifice for daemons and future zombie material, but it was something for them to do while Yue finished wraping up her plot and looking for a replacment.

Asuna had grabbed the Core Book. "Is there a reset button for these things? An anti-virus spell?"

"Asuna, you're still in control of your zombies," Nodoka said. "It's just that you have shared control. On your turn, you still control them."

"But they attacked me!" Asuna said

"And that's why you shouldn't make Charisma your dump stat," Haruna advised sagely. "Don't worry everyone, I have a plan."

Everyone froze in terror.

"Don't worry, it's just a game. It's unlikely for even Haruna's plans to cause havoc through the fourth wall," Yue reassured them. And herself, while she was at it.

"Ha ha," Haruna said sarcastically. "Negi-sensei, Asuna, Ayaka, you still have fire spells…? Right. Set the woods on fire."

"You've been reading the Dresden Files again, haven't you?" Yue said flatly.

"Bolshevik muppet solution!" Haruna declared happily.

….

"Dearly beloved," Konoka intoned, "we are gathered here in the sight of the great goddess Sarenrae and one another to celebrate the memory of the late NPC Kidnap Victim, who died in a tragic forest fire caused by negligent rescuers. Taken hostage by an evil monster who is a disgrace to the religious vestments and holy symbol, he was absolutely helpless as he was tortured for several hours and used in unspeakable ways. He died thinking he would he rescued, and burned to death, likely to come back as some kind of daemon if I understand the cosmology correctly. NPC Kidnap Victim leaves behind his orc wife and three half-orc children, who will now likely be run out of town by the small-minded racists of Beacon… "

"Okay," Negi said. "My new character is a wizard named– "

"Negi-sensei, this funeral isn't for you," Yue said as she noted down that she should bring back the NPC as some sort of daemon.

"Oh, right!" Negi said sheepishly. "Sorry, force of habit."

"You're not even sorry!" Konoka said. "Aren't you afraid that one day, this poor man's sons are going to find you for revenge?"

Yue made a big show of jotting down 'half-orc children seeking revenge' on her notes.

"Will you people stop giving Yue ideas?" Haruna begged. "Why do you all not understand that you should never give the GM ideas?-!"

"Rookies," Yue said,a little smile on her face. "Gotta love 'em. So, what do you want to do next?"

….

As they played on, and Negi somehow managed to not get himself killed again, the rumor mill churned.

After all, someone was always watching Negi-sensei's room, lest lustful young women take advantage on an innocent boy's naivete (before the watcher could). Usually it was the Narutaki girls, who, despite being older than many of their peers, were, shall we say, vertically challenged, and thus easily overlooked due to being out of the usual line of site. Oh, and ninja training, but since they weren't very good at that yet (with the exception of pulling off the outfit, literally and figuratively), it was likely just a coincidence.

They'd also gotten the scoop on Asakura regarding goings on in Asuna, Konoka and Negi's dorm many times before, and now was another such time.

"This is huge," Fuuka said.

"Huge," Fumika agreed. "Who knew that Asuna and Ayaka were learning to be wizards too!"

They also regularly misheard their scoop. This was another such time.

"And Asuna's learning to make zombies," Fuuka said, shuddering. "I've seen this movie! That's not good! She's a bakaranger, she's going to end up messing up and causing a zombie apocalypse on campus!"

No one named Sayoko on campus sneezed. There is no such thing as Sayoko. Or anything related to such a non-existent thing.

"We have to warn everyone and keep Asuna from making a terrible mistake!" Fumika agreed.

They ran to look for backup, someone bite proof who wouldn't become a zombie when things went wrong…

….

 **\- To be continued…**

….

A/N: When all else fails, drop zombies or ninja on your players. Or zombie ninja. You can always make up the plot reason for why that happened later.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. Never Confuse a Wizard and A Sorcerer

A/N: note, this happens between Mahorafest and the end of classes.

….

'Ala Alba Plays Pathfinder' or 'Never Confuse a Wizard and A Sorcerer'

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: The Pathfinder system is owned by Paizo. Akamatsu Ken owns Negima. I make no money of this. This is parody and protected speech.

….

Fuuka and Fumika cowered beneath the glares of righteous fury by a morally offended tsundere and an outraged class rep.

"You two," Ayaka said, "have screwed up before. Outrageous stories. Rumor mongering (and unlike Kazumi you didn't even bother to confirm)! Spying on your classmates and teachers. But this…!"

"And seriously, you guys thought I was learning to be a wizard?-!-?" Asuna exploded, her Str and Con gaining a +4 morale bonus but losing 2 AC. She didn't really need AC at the moment. "For crying out loud, it's just a game! What are you, moral guardians who can't even tell reality from fantasy?"

"Such overreaction and lack of thought is, unfortunately a habit with you two impressionable youths," said Ayaka, who was several months younger. "But this takes the cake! Even if you seriously thought there was a chance of danger, the fact that you would bring _her_ as your backup is inexcusable!"

"No offense to you Satsuki-san, but," Asuna apologized before turning her full fury back on the twins, " _she's_ your idea of 'bite proof'? Really? The nicest, most inoffensive girl in our class, who wouldn't hurt a fly and you think it's a bright idea to use her as a meat shield against _zombies_ , no offense for the term Yotsuba-san. I'm a bakaranger, and even I think you two are too stupid to be a bakaranger for an idea like that!"

Ah, it's all right, Satsuki said. No harm done.

Ayaka, however, was still not done being offended on her behalf. "And not only were you thinking of putting her into what you thought was danger, but you did it just before the dinner rush! Yotsuba-san has a business to run, you thoughtless children! She has more important things to do than to waste her time on a wild goose chase with you!"

"We'll walk you back to the Chao Bao Zi, Satsuki-chan," Konoka said, figuring out the paradox of that statement and having Satsuki stand there watching the twins be harangued. "It's the least we can do after having out you through all this trouble."

Oh, you don't need to bother yourselves, Satsuki said, but accepted having Konoka and Setsuna walk her back as Ayaka and Asuna played Lawful Cop and Chaotic Cop behind them.

So, Satsuki asked, what exactly were you doing that made the twins think… I think they said Asuna was raising zombies?

"Oh, we were just playing this board game, it's called Pathfinder… " Konoka said.

Oh, 3.75 edition! Pretty nice game, though I personally prefer World of Darkness. It just feels so real and genuine, you know? It really speaks to me, Satsuki said brightly. Maybe I can join you in a game sometime.

"Sure, though you should know Yue wants to step down as GM, so if you know anyone, that'd be really helpful," Konoka said.

Satsuki tilted her head. I might know someone…

….

Game night came…

"You… want me to kill your wizard?" Yue said slowly.

"Yeah," Asuna said. "I want to roll a new one as a Necromancer specialist. Better zombies, you know?"

"But… why do you want me to kill you?" Yue asked. "I mean, you can just roll a new character. Negi can help you, he has lots of experience."

"Well, I wanna bring my old character back as a Juju Zombie, you know?" Asuna said. "That way, it doesn't go to waste!"

"You're level six," Yue said, resorting to basic math. "Juju zombies need a spell you get at level 11."

A beat.

"Can I get a wand?" Asuna asked hopefully.

"No."

"Damn. All right, don't kill my wizard then."

"No promises."

"I wonder who Satsuki-san is bringing along?" Nodoka said.

"It's too bad Satsuki will only be coming over tonight," Haruna said. "But she does have a business to run, after all."

"I'm sure it's someone nice," Konoka said. "After all, Satsuki-san wouldn't get along with a mean person."

"Doesn't Satsuki get along with Eva-chan?" Asuna said.

There was a pregnant pause that gave birth to little evil vampire pauses.

" _I'm sure it's someone nice!_ " Konoka said, voice pitched very, very loudly. " _After all, Satsuki-san wouldn't get along with a mean person!_ "

The doorbell rang.

….

Sister Shakti was a very nice person. They really didn't get why Misora insisted on painting her as some kind of demon.

Yue was willing to probationarily agree that maybe they'd found a co-GM she could rotate with, but she wanted to see how she played for a session or two before she handed over the reins. Shakti ("Oh, call me Ada.") was okay with that. She was even willing to humor Nodoka's pained request for a meatshield character.

And so, the party was joined that night by Elric Brian Idol the human Bladebound Magus.

The librarians, spotting the literary reference, decided that Ada Shakti was a woman of mature tastes who knew her genre history. Negi, spotting the _other_ reference, recognized an woman of immature humor.

Yue, failing her Perception check to recognize the Monty Python ref right away, was unable to put up the prerequisite rule in time.

"Maybe we need to change locations," Yue said as they sat around talking about what they wanted to do that session. "Our party's getting too big for the kind of adventures I can come up with in a small town."

"If we're moving, then I can sell the house, right?" Nodoka said. "According to the downtime building rules– "

"I haven't forgotten you're not the one who owns the house, you know," Yue said.

"Tch," Nodoka 'tched'.

"Wait, then who _does_ own it?" Konoka said, sounding concerned. "Should we be paying them rent?"

"Oh, the mayor is lending it to us rent-free," Haruna said. "We're her heroes on retainer, sort of thing. Plus there was this politics thing that Yue seems to have forgotten about."

"I haven't forgotten about it, you used suggestion on everyone to make it a low priority," Yue said. "But soon… "

"I'm partial towards cities," Shakti ('call me Ada' or not, it was really weird to think of her like that) said. "Preferably on the coast on a temperate region, maybe with an entrance to the darklands. Good selection of environments and monsters, and if all else fails, tarrasque attack. Or some other colossal kaiju."

"Hmm… " Yue vocalized, checking her notes. "Well, that's an option. Plus Asuna wouldn't be able to go graverobbing in a city as soon as she hits level 11…"

"Juju zombies of Negi's dead wizards just make sense!" Asuna protested.

"Horrible! You're horrible Asuna-chan!" Konoka wailed. "I thought I knew you! I thought you were a Neutral Good person! Shame on you! Shame, shame on you for thinking of desecrating the graves of my dead friends! What would Negi-kun think about you doing such things to the dozens of wizards named after his father?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Negi said.

Moving adventuring locations wasn't a simple matter of packing up and taking a bus (for one thing, no buses, and you wouldn't believe the rates wizards charged). First, there had to be a reason to leave town.

"Copy-cat!" Asuna swore vitriolically as Yue smugly set down the game pieces. "Copy-cat! Copy-cat! You're a thieving cat Yue! That was my idea!"

Yue did not smirk. She was too Yue to smirk. "What, they were there. And juju zombies make for a level-appropriate encounter."

"Those were supposed to be _my_ juju zombies!" Asuna wailed. "Damn it!"

"See, this is why I prepare summoning spells too, Asuna-san" Ayaka said smugly. "Really, you don't need that much experience to know that unless you've seen the body, the necromancer cleric is still alive and coming back. Really, I've seen these movies… and TV shows… and anime… she practically waved a sequel summary at us."

"How does he have this many zombies?" Negi asked incredulously. "I've read the rules, there shouldn't be enough to cause a zombie apocalypse!"

"Oh Negi," Haruna said, patting him on the shoulder. "You need to learn this, and you might as well learn it now."

Negi looked up innocently at her.

"The GM cheats," Haruna said simply.

Negi stared at Yue, aghast.

She shrugged. "I control the universe. My bad guys don't need to have the stats to control the zombies. I control the zombies anyway."

"We fight god herself!" Haruna confirmed. "If she says the town suddenly turned into a swamp, it turns into a swamp! If she says the tarrasque appears out of thin air, it does!"

"Within reason," Yue amended.

"God plays dice with the universe!" Haruna declared.

"Oh, shut up Haruna."

There was, of course, a dramatic chase scene once the party had deactivated the artifact the necromancer had been using on the town to bring back the dead ("I told you I wasn't cheating."). Asuna had forgiven Yue reviving Negi's old characters when the shorter girl had allowed her to keep the artifact. Increased caster level when using necromantic spells and being able to control double the normal HD of zombies was nothing to sneeze at. Konoka, however, was now watching Asuna like a hawk, ready to pull a credible impersonation of 'smite evil' the moment she thought the wizard was going to do anything shady.

"You're just jealous because your alignment doesn't let you use necro spells," Asuna said.

"Good girls don't use [evil] spells," Konoka said primly. "Yue, can I still level up my cleric if I crossclass as a paladin?"

Said chase scene involved going after the villain as he flew to the big city. Well, _a_ big city.

"Isn't that a Mahorafest directory?" Shakti said.

"It was either this or a map of Tokyo Disneyland," Yue said. "And I have bad memories of Disneyland. There was this one traumatic childhood incident where all I wanted to do was read a Nietzschean criticism on third-wave fundamental feminist philosophy and its impact on modern junior idol gravure, but I kept getting forced onto roller coasters, teacup rides, bumper cars… " Yue shuddered. "It was horrible. Worst 5th birthday a girl could have."

 _Somewhere, Chisame felt a chill, as if some use for her services to the world of pointing out her classmates were royally fucked up were needed…_

"You're not going to do anything obvious like put a level 20, mythic halfling vampire on Sakura Lane, are you?" Haruna said.

Yue made a big show of taking down notes.

"Because if you do, I'm telling Eva-chan," Haruna threatened.

Yue paused, then made a big show of crossing out her note. "Spoilsport. "

Ayaka blinked. "McDowell-san? Why would she care?"

"Long story, I'll tell you never," Asuna murmured.

Ayaka frowned, trying to parse the end of that sentence, so Asuna threw Negi at her as a distraction.

That was the signal to go on a break.

As Asuna and Ayaka got into one of their friendship-affirming knock-down, drag out fights while Negi tried to mediate, and Yue tried to save her notes lest Nodoka try to sneak in an intelligent item that allowed her to use _disintegration_ at will and whose purpose was 'do anything Nodoka asks me to', Setsuna and Shakti volunteered to go on a snack run down to the convenience store before curfew. The latter felt she was off duty and not seeing Asuna and Ayaka actually fighting would let her justify actually _staying_ off duty, and Setsuna was resigned to the fact she was the sort of person who got sent out on snack runs. Konoka, for her part, tried to sneak in a healthy dinner for everyone, but there was only so much one could do when you were limited to finger foods. In the end, she made some vegetable gyoza and was mildly successful at getting everyone to eat it instead of just chips, sugary drinks and cheap chocolate.

….

"Dearly beloved," Konoka said gleefully later that night, "we are gathered here in the sight of the great goddess Sarenrae and one another to ensure that the damned necromancer stays dead. He was tragically slain by getting knocked down on the street by a cart, which spilled fish guts on him, and caused him to be mobbed to death by alley cats."

"I can't believe I let you get away with that," Yue muttered.

"It's mathematically proven that in a fight between a PC and a cat of the same number of hit dice, the cat would win," Nodoka said happily. It had been her idea.

"It's not like any of you were druids or rangers… "

"I'm not sure I can use fireball like this," Negi said skeptically. "I mean, I've been using it on zombies all this time, and they've never caught fire and been consumed. I don't see why a normal corpse would be any different. Anyway, this one is fresher. Surely all his bodily fluids will keep him from catching fire."

"I don't see why I can't make him a Bloody Skeleton too," Asuna said. "Even if you won't let me make him into a juju zombie, at least let me do that much."

"Because you're out of money for spell components," Yue said. "Skeletons cost money remember?"

"We're selling his spellbook anyway, we'll get the money from there," Asuna said.

"By the time you get back form the shop he'll be cremated," Yue said.

"Not from fireball, he won't," Negi said. "Seriously, I think we've all seen just how inadequate this spell is at burning human corpses. We should just let Asuna-san use her wand on him."

"No!" Konoka declared staunchly. "Undeath is an abomination against Sarenrae and we will not be complicit in allowing intelligent beings be defiled by its touch!"

"I'll tell Evangeline you said that," Asuna said.

"In the _game_ Asuna, sheesh, don't be such a moral guardian."

"Again, why would McDowell-san care?" Ayaka asked, confused.

"We can use it for parts for a bone or flesh golem," Shakti suggested.

"Et tu, Ada?" Konoka said.

"Hey, meatshielding is a dangerous business."

"Why do people keep trying to do unnatural things to the dead?" Konoka sighed.

"Unnatural things like burning it with fire summoned by arcane forces?" Haruna said.

"That's a perfectly natural phenomenon. My goddess told me so when I prepared my spells this morning."

"Yue-san, does this setting have any aluminium?" Setsuna asked. "With that and a little rust we can save Negi-sensei from having to use up a fireball spell."

"I thought it was pronounced 'aluminum'?" Asuna said.

"Like many things, only in the United States and Canada," Negi clarified.

"Ah. As expected, I guess."

"There's also the archaic 'alumium'," Negi added.

"Not English class sensei, we didn't need to know that."

"Why do you need aluminium?" Yue asked.

"Well, with that we could make thermite," Setsuna said. "Very useful for destroying corpses and other evidence." There was a beat. "N-not that I'd know from personal experience." Beat. "Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"Wouldn't be worth it," Haruna said. "Historically, in pre-industrial societies, aluminium was more expensive than gold because of how hard it was to refine. And we're already short on cash, hint-hint."

"I'm working on it. Anyway, don't you have a profession check you can roll on for that sort of stuff?"

"Hey, as a demon-girl in the big city, it would be perfectly normal for us to be worried about expenses and income," Haruna said. "This isn't some small town. Sure, orphan loli prostitutes would be more common but working conditions would suck more and I wouldn't have any nice regulars who I'd know for sure wouldn't beat or abuse me." Haruna sighed nostalgically. "That was the nice thing of being a small town bicycle. You knew all your customers, there was a bond… " Beat. "Why are you all looking at me like that? In the _game_ , sheesh, don't be such moral guardians."

"Why don't we just send the corpse to the temple of Pharasma?" Shakti suggested. "They'd know how to keep someone properly dead, I'd wager."

"No, I don't trust Yue not to pull a 'Corrupt Church' plot," Haruna said. "Best we do this ourselves."

"We could cut it in half and separate the body parts," Nodoka suggested. "You need an intact corpse to reanimate, and most undead that aren't intact corpses use the head. Remove the head and spine and it'll be incomplete enough to not be reanimateable, and if we crush the skull it can't come back as any of the other kinds."

Ayaka was shaking her head. "This is all well and good, but it's not going to work," she said.

"Why not?" Konoka asked.

The blonde pointed. "Yue hasn't destroyed his character sheet yet."

Everyone gave the librarian a suspicious look. She smiled.

"We're going to need potions," Haruna murmured.

….

 **\- To be continued…**

….

A/N: for all that they claim video games, D&D, TV and Coca Cola lead to violent behavior and 'impressionable youths', which seems to be newspeak for 'idiots', will act out what they see, moral guardians are always the ones who seem like they can't tell fantasy from reality. They also never DO THE RESEARCH. Morons.

….

 _Some days later…_

Asun glared down at one of the English summer homework questions.

 _What is a 7-letter word for 'aluminium'?_

"Cheeky brat," she muttered, but managed to answer it.

….

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. Never Assume You Got Away With It

A/N: And now we're back… from outer space!

….

'Ala Alba Plays Pathfinder' or 'Never Let A Player Have An Monstrous PC Outsider'

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Disclaimer: The Pathfinder system is owned by Paizo. Akamatsu Ken owns Negima. I make no money of this. This is parody and protected speech.

….

"And… yes!" Haruna cheered. "Level up!"

"Level up!" Nodoka agreed.

"Level up!" Konoka chirped.

"Level up," Setsuna nodded.

"Level up?" Ayaka said, confused.

"Level up," Asuna explained.

"Level up," Sister Shakti noted.

"Level up!" Negi said happily.

"Er, not you, Negi-sensei," Yue said apologetically. "Your wizards all kept dying, so you kept losing your exp. You're only still halfway there."

"Eh?-!" Negi 'eh'd'. "But Ada-san leveled up!"

"She kept earning RP bonus exp," Yue shrugged.

"Don't worry sensei," Ayaka said. "Now that you're not dying, you should level up in no time."

"So, how do you want to level up?" Yue asked, as if she didn't know.

"I'm getting a PC class," Haruna said. "Might as well put this ridiculously huge Charisma bonus to some use."

"So you're going anti-paladin?" Nodoka said hopefully.

"I'm thinking some kind of sorcerer. Bards don't get enough spells to be worth the trouble and I can already do suggestion and stuff, Nodoka-chan," Haruna said. "I only qualify for the vanilla paladin class. And I really don't swing that way."

"A girl can dream," Nodoka sighed. Except for Shakti and Negi, everyone twitched at Haruna's lack of reaction at the accidentally innuendo-laden exchange. It was still so frickin' _weird_. "What happened to the days when people played as fighters or barbarians?"

"We learned the difference between linear and quadratic progression," Asuna said. There was a beat. "Why are you all looking at me like that? I passed math, remember."

….

"I grab him and restrain him," Negi said confidently.

"Are you sure you want to do that, Negi-sensei?" Yue asked, in the tone of someone all but screaming, 'no, don't do that you stupid idiot!'. "I'm sure you can use _hold person_ instead. "

"I don't know that spell," Negi said, and then added with the pride of someone who'd finally gotten a handle on the rules, even if they personally believed the rules were bloody stupid, "And I haven't prepared it today."

"I'm sure you're mistaken," Yue said, in a tone that screamed 'take a hint, you moron!' as Haruna, Nodoka _and_ Ada tried to steal Negi's character sheet and write something on it.

"No, no, it says so write here," Negi said unhelpfully, pointing where his spell list and spells per day were clearly written.

Yue gave him a despairing look. She looked down at the relevant page of the core book. She had horrible flashbacks to previous editions. She looked at the flowchart she used to bookmark that page. More flashbacks. Damn it, she should have figured he'd do something like this! She made an executive decision. "Unfortunately, by some freakish coincidence involving shoddy construction, the entire building collapses."

Everyone but Konoka and Haruna died and had to reroll new characters, and Negi had to make up yet another anagram of 'Nagi Springfield', but in the end the other players agreed that Yue had made the right decision.

….

"Dearly beloved," Konoka intoned. "We are gathered here in the sight of the great goddess Sarenrae and one another to mourn the deaths of these nice but insensitive people. They died tragically when a building mysteriously collapsed on them in a way that was totally not the wizard's fault for trying to initiate a grapple."

There was a pause.

"Okay, bye-bye and thanks for all the stuff you left me," Konoka said brightly. "I'm so happy you decided to donate your possessions to the church after your deaths."

"Eh?" Setsuna cried, looking heartbroken. "Oujo-sama, was it all a lie? All this time you were saying you were my friend, you were just waiting for me to die so you could steal my guns?"

"Oh, don't kid yourself Setsuna-san," Nodoka said dismissively as she gave the other librarian an annoyed look. "I had way more expensive stuff than you. You better be donating that Handy Haversack to the totally-trustworthy rogue you'll be meeting soon!"

"Oh no, I couldn't possibly do that!" Konoka chirped. "As the last keepsake from a dead friend, it would dishonor her memory if I so cavalierly gave it to someone else. I'm keeping it."

"Yue!" Nodoka cried.

"You're dead, stop complaining," Yue said.

Nodoka pouted, then looked sternly, crumpled up the sheet she'd already half filled-out with details of her new rogue, threw over her shoulder to land imperfectly on top of the lamp next to the trashcan, knocking off the _last_ piece of paper she'd thrown there and making that fall into the trash can instead, she began to furiously rewrite a new character.

….

"So," Negi said as he finished his new character sheet, "the name of my new character is a human wizard named– "

"Yeah, some anagram of 'Nagi Springfield, we get it," Asuna interrupted.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Negi said piously. "And it's really rude of you to interrupt someone when they're talking."

"I'm going with a Paladin this time," Asuna said. "Being a wizard is too much work."

"Summoner," Ayaka said, who'd cottoned on to the rules. Liking a boy only went so far. "I am Lady Winter the Burgundy."

"Another Bladebound Magus," Ada said. "I think I'll call this one Rand."

"I'm a female Gunslinger Tiefling," Setsuna said, "who had to leave her home when she was young because she was hated by all for being a demonic half-breed."

"Setsuna, this is a safe place," Asuna said gently. "Everyone here is your friend and cares about you."

"Er, thank you for saying so Asuna-san, but what does that have to do with anything?" Setsuna said, looking confused.

Asuna threw up her hands in exasperation.

"I'm playing the chaotic evil dark elf cleric of Gyronna, Akonok," Nodoka said, looking at no one in particular.

Negi blinked. "Why is your character's name 'Konoka' spelled backwards in English?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Nodoka said piously.

As Negi wiped his nose from a rather large sneeze, Yue got to the story. "All right, Konoka and Haruna meet you all at a bar– "

"Why would we be at a bar?" Konoka said.

"Either you're celebrating your death-gotten gains, getting plastered in despair or are toasting the worthy lives of your deceased party members, take your pick."

Konoka raised up a glass towards Haruna. "A toast! To fallen friends!"

"To friends regardless of whether or not they were fallen, that's just celestial propaganda and isn't a real thing," Haruna agreed.

"She obviously set us up, or she'd be trying to convince higher-ranked members of her church to resurrect us at cost of material components," Nodoka grumbled.

"I tried, but we're not running a charity," Konoka chirped.

"It's a church! They're supposed to be charitable!" Nodoka said. "Outside of Cheliax, anyway."

"So!" Yue repeated loudly. "You all meet at a bar."

"Akonok takes the drink Konoka already paid for and gulps it down." Nodoka narrated.

"I dive behind he bar in case of bar brawl," Haruna said.

"Can I use 'Summon Monster' to make Takahata-sensei appear and discipline them?" Ayaka said.

"Tempting, but no," Yue said. "This isn't that kind of game."

"Why do they call them 'paladins'?" Asuna wondered. "They don't have anything to do with Charlemagne."

Everyone stopped and stared at her.

"I believe I speak for everyone when I say 'what the hell?'," Ayaka said.

"Language," Ada chided.

Asuna glared at Ayaka. "What? I can't know about Charlemagne?"

"It's more that we cannot conceive of how you'd possibly remember anything about Charlemagne," Yue said.

Asuna hmphed. "If you must know, Christopher Lee-sama made a heavy metal opera about him."

There was more staring.

"I feel I must repeat, for the sake of further clarity: 'what the hell?'," Ayaka said.

"What were you doing listening to a heavy metal opera?" Setsuna asked more specifically.

"Sir Christoper Lee made an opera?" Negi said, awed.

"Heavy metal opera is a thing?" Haruna said, awed.

….

"All right," Yue said, a few nights later, the last session having degenerated into a random tangent about heavy metal opera. "You all meet in jail for instigating a bar brawl."

"I was framed!" Konoka protested. "I was just innocently toasting a drink to the memory of my dead friends, may they rest in peace, when some hooligan attacked me!"

"Konoka, what are you, fifty? Who uses 'hooligan' in this day and age?" Asuna asked.

"I do," Ayaka said with a sharp look.

"My point exactly," Asuna nodded.

Ayaka cracked her knuckles.

"ANYWAY!" Yue said loudly. "You're all in jail! Go!"

"I break out," Nodoka said confidently.

"Nodoka-chan, you're not a rogue anymore, you're an evil cleric," Yue reminded her.

"Oh," Nodoka said. "Darn it. Are there any nearby corpses I can use?"

"The jail isn't _that_ bad," Yue said flatly.

"I demand to see a lawyer," Haruna said.

"You were told earlier it's the middle of the night and the lawyers are less likely to screw you over if you let them sleep," Yue said.

"That sounds reasonable," Ada agreed.

"I still demand to see a lawyer," Haruna said.

"You're told that the only person who'd consider showing up at this hour is Lady Velroth, a retired paladin," Yue said.

"Wait, they can do that?" Haruna said.

"Yes," Yue said. "There's no 'lawyer' class, it's just putting skill points in 'knowledge'. Besides, I figure paladins would need a lot of lawyers to get away with going around smiting things."

"That's a defamatory stereotype, which I find very offensive," Asuna said.

"Wouldn't becoming a lawyer be against their 'Lawful Good' alignment?" Ada said

"Defamatory stereotype!" Asuna repeated.

….

"I'm being charged with _what?"_ Nodoka exclaimed.

"You're charged with kidnapping the townsfolk of Beacon and dragging them into the woods as human sacrifices for daemons and zombie material, as well as starting a forest fire," Yue said. "Apparently, you fit the criminal profile of the necromancer given in the reports."

"But we killed that guy!" Nodoka said. "He was hit be a cart while crossing the street, covered in fish guts, and got eaten by cats!"

"Unfortunately, most of the people who could testify such have mysteriously died in a collapsing building," Yue said. "And the sole remaining witnesses are under suspicion."

Konoka blinked. "Huh? Why am I under suspicion?"

"A lot of wizards are reported to have died in your company," Yue said, just the faintest hint of a smirk on her lips. "The events have happened so close together, and in some truly insane circumstances, that there's reasonable cause to suspect you and Haruna are serial killers."

"I'd like to contact the Temple of Calistria to confirm my bonafides as a fully paid up prostitute and respected member of the community who would have absolutely nothing to do with such evil things," Haruna said.

"I'm a paladin," Asuna said. "Who still has her powers. So I can't have anything do do with this, right?"

"If that were true, there'd be no such things as paladin lawyers," Yue said.

"But, I'm here investigating a lead!" Konoka protested.

"The rogue whose job it was to investigate died when that house collapsed, so you no longer have legal authority to do so," Yue said. "Also, since she died while on an investigation, there will be an official inquiry into matters. All your items have been seized as evidence."

"Suddenly, I feel much better," Nodoka said.

Desperately, Konoka looked towards Setsuna. "Set-chan! Help me!"

"I'm a Tiefling," Setsuna said, face bland. "Elves have nothing to do with me that isn't throwing rocks to chase me away."

"Damn it!" Konoka cried.

….

"Why am I in jail too?" Konoka wailed.

"Look, all the evidence was against you both," Haruna said, patting her on the shoulder. "The sacrifices, the suspicious wizard deaths… really, what else would have happened? All the witnesses are dead and mutilated, so that rules out _Speak With Dead_ and stuff. But hey, we're innocent and stuff."

"I call upon my undead hordes hiding outside town to break me out," Nodoka said. "I'm evil, I don't mind doing that."

"Wait! Take me too!" Konoka said.

"Sorry, but we have irreconcilable alignment differences," Nodoka said. "It's not, me, it's you."

"I don't like this game!" Konoka wailed. "I wanna play something else!"

….

Konoka carefully closed the copy of the D&D 4.0 Player's Handbook, only her great respect for books keeping her from hurling it away with great force. "I take it back, I want to go back to playing the better game!"

….

 **\- To be continued…**

….

A/N: Taking a break, as I've run out of things to make fun of. If I get _really_ desperate, I'll pull out an adventure module at random and have them play through it, but not right now. My muse is at one of its lowest points, and what little I have I'm saving for an original fiction project. I might post it on Fictionpress of AO3 for input before pulling it out to publish, or I might not. We'll see.

Anyway, hope you had fun. As always, coming back to this is always an option, since it's short, easy to write fun for me, meaning I could be back as soon as this week with the right inspiration, but… well, low muse. Sorry.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


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